Suffer in Silence

When we open our eyes in the morning,
When we wake up and about to start our day,
We will never know how our day is going to go,
Who we are going to meet,
What things that about to happen,

What we will find,
What we will lose,
Will it be a wonderful day,
Or will it be a rough day.

April 21st , the day begins like any other day.
It was a beautiful morning.
Sun was shining.
Birds were chirping.
The sky was blue.
Pollution was low.
People spending time at home, quarantine with their loved ones.
My partner and I spontaneously decided to go jogging.
We need some physical activities.
That morning, we woke up in the right side of the bed.
That morning, we felt like we had too much energy.

As we had fun running around the block of our apartment, we were throwing jokes at each other.
We laughed together.
We chased each other.
We sweat and felt good, from the endorphins.
Our mind was in a happy state and we felt energized.
After jogging for a little while, we went to buy some vegetables, chicken meat, lots of chilli and red peppers, as we planned to make Indonesian sambal, and fried chicken.

We went back to our apartment.
Haven’t showered, and still in our sweaty shirts.
As we started preparing our food, we thought about how heavy our brunch would be; fried chicken, Indonesian sambals, stir-fry water spinach, and of course rice.
We smiled at the idea, and can’t wait to have our brunch.

Little did we know that we will never enjoy the food that we had been preparing. We were minutes away from the worst news ever.
The news that will shatter our joy.
The grim reality that we will face.
The horror that follows.
We were never prepared of what we were about to hear.

That is right…
This is not a story about a wonderful day.
This is a story about a particularly difficult day.
The day we will never forget.

My partner got a phone call.
And when he heard the news from the person in the other end,
He screamed.
He hanged up the phone.
He started crying … and fell down in our bed.
I saw it like a slow motion.
I asked him what happened.
He couldn’t answer me.
He was sobbing uncontrollably.

A few minutes later, he answered my question by still sobbing; his youngest sister has taken her own life.

I froze with my eyes wide open.
My jaw drops.
Utterly shocked, it took me a while to wrap my head around it.
There are no words to convey my sudden sadness.
This unfortunate news has left me speechless, paralyzed, heartbroken, and suddenly full of regret.

Laying down beside me, my partner was still wailing.
For a minute my mind was blank.
I didn’t know what to do.

I then tried to gather my energy.
I have to stay sharp.
I have to stay focus on what to do next.
I have to comfort him.
I can not let myself drown in emotions now.
I have to be his rock.

I helped him to get ready so we can go to his hometown, 3-4 hours driving from where we live.

Even though it took him forever to get ready, we managed to drive to reach his house, with our two other friends that I called earlier.
The day went on so fast for me.
Until this day, I still don’t know how we managed to collect all of our energy to prepare for her funeral, trying to console his father, and do practically everything that needs to be done.

No one saw it coming.
Eventhough she has always been a quiet person.
She had been laid off from work due to the pandemic.
She had to go back to her hometown to stay with her family so they can support her. 
Maybe she hated being away from her close friends.
Maybe her family home does not feel like a home to her.
Or maybe she misses her brother.
We will never know her reasons.
Maybe she never have one.
She was young.
She was childlike.
She was a softhearted person.

No warning.
No notes left.
No goodbyes.
We will be in a limbo and confusion forever.

I regret a lot of things, and felt guilty for the longest time.
I blame myself for never finding time to get to know her.
I never got the chance to meet her, and talk to her.
I never know her feelings and what she thinks about things.
She never know me.
She will never know how caring I could be.
She will never know how loving I could be.

My partner told me that she was still like a child, although she was 25.
Unable to grow up mentally and emotionally, since no one there to guide her.
She was quiet and reserved.
The most hurtful fact behind the story is, that their mother also took her own life when they were kids.
They grew up without a loving mother.
My partner had two sisters. One passed away when she was only 18 from kidney failure.
And now he lost his youngest sister.
Now he has no siblings left on earth.

Why would she imitate her mother’s behaviour?
Why would she do that, knowing that it will affect alot of people in a bad way?
Why couldn’t she think straight?
And why am I being selfish by asking these questions, judging her for her decision, instead of trying to understand what she had been through?
I should be praying for her.
I should be praying for her family.
I should be praying for the strength I need now.

I never know anyone with a more tragic background than my partner.
Of course this sorrowful event has affected our relationship.
I feel hopeless when he told me that he may never feel happy again.
If happiness comes, there will be a hint of sadness too that comes along with it. The sadness comes from the fact that he will no longer be able to share his happiness with his siblings anymore.

He said he can’t describe the storm of feelings that just crush him.
And guilt.

Well, I felt the same way too.

Only time can heal.
Only time can tell.
Right now what we need to do is just to put our head up, and look up to our future. Even if your old wounds have been opened again.
Even if you feel like moving on is impossible and really hard to do.
Even if your world stops when everybody’s world still spinning like there is nothing happen.
We have to move on.
And we will survive this traumatic episode of our life.

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